Cause who doesn't want to k.i.s.s.

I am living simply. Eating simply. My diet consists of rice and beans, pizzas, chilis, breads, pastas, delicious kale/spinach smoothies and whatever else my mom decides to make. Because all said things above are homemade and fantastic. Even the dough. My mother is like a young Bobby Flay (minus the genitals). My stomach thanks her everytime I open the fridge. I think this diet has been having reciprical effects on how I live. Or (more likely) how I live is influencing my diet choices. And health my taste buds are winning.

I don't know. I am not sure what is happening really. I feel complete. In a way that is foreign to me. There is nothing on my agenda that I do not want to do really because I made it up. And most days it is made the day of. I work, food shop, watch a movie, read, sit, nap, walk the dog, think, shave, etc. Simple.

Check out my foxy and ferocious non-feline friendly friend slumbering on the equally as fiery, vintage Power Rangers comforter.

I still live with my mom and though there is a stigma attached with twenty and living with parents (and I see the reasoning behind it) I really enjoying being with. It is like connecting with my best. Seeing where the feet that taught me to walk walked and just hearing stories or how she lives. Simple things. Family things. Connecting with a part of my history that I think I missed out on when I was younger. I mean I don't want to live with my mom forever but for right now, it is perfect. I am satisfied with who I am being.

But I wish I was doing more. Writing more, singing more, math more, physics more, dance more, talk more, play more, draw more, knit more. And do more better also. But I know all these things are just a decision a way and that they change anytime I say so. So say so.

Talking with an ex-girlfriend last night I realized that I become nervous when speaking to anyone from my past whom I have had an intimate relationship with. When I see that name pop up on my phone screen my hands become a bit wet and heart races a little and I have no idea why. Even if it is not an intimate person from my past. Just a friend calling. But with strangers, I am fine. Not even a hint of nervousness. Maybe it is because I subconsiously think that that person has a perception of me that I have to live up. That I have to be as cool or attractive or clever or funny as I have ever been. I have to live up to myself. And with strangers there is no past me, there is only whoever I am now. And it is so not worth the nervousness. Man, you should just drop.

I think you have to choose carefully the things you carry. They can either weigh you down or help you move forward.

Simply,

anthony

Getting out of shape

I have left my mind go as of late. Not in the good sense of letting it go like freeing it up and letting it make wild connections and really interacting with every moment. No, I mean the other letting go. The opposite from what is said above. It now has a beer belly from to much time spent on the couch watching movies and sleeping in. The mind is just like the physical body, it you do not strech it out and use it then it becomes flat, lifeless, uninspired. So, now I must get it back into shape.

Heading back to college has been weighing me down with questions. I continue to second guess my self as to if this is the right choice or not, still reading through guide books and college review websites to reassure myself that I am making the right decision, though no alleviation of worry is felt. But I do not think any amount of reading can answer the questions that roll through my head. Am I making the right choice? Should I attend this college? Or wait to attend another? Or transfer later? Or not attend at all? Is it right for me to ask my mother to help pay for an education that I should be responsible for?

The older I get the more I know that questions like these have no merit to them. There are no answer for these questions. You can only move forward and adjust accordingly.

Whenever I come to a choice, whether it be buying a new pair of shoes or what I want to eat, I quiet myself and ask, "What do you REALLY want?" And I listen to myself, to my heart, for a reply for we always know what we really want, what we really need. Sometimes we just become very good at hiding it from ourselves, but it is there. And it cannot be moved. All one must do is quiet one's self and listen closely. You know the truth all ready because you are truth. You embody the truth. For it is through you that truth emanates. I have been getting away from this and really need to rid myself of the trash floating around in me and come back to center.

There is no right or wrong way. There is only a path. And whatever path you take or make it matters not, it is the one you are on and because of that it is perfect and you are perfect. That is the way has been and that is they it will always be. You can do nothing wrong for there is nothing to be lost. Your heart will know they way, as if it has been there before and knows all the twists and turns, so follow it and try not to worry so much.

- ar